Death & Grief

I feel really jealous seeing people with their friends, laughing and talking about absolutely random things . I never had friends . It's not like I didn't try making but I don't know what is it with me that nobody wants to be my friend .

My poem from the workshop: I am a shining star and no one can take the light from my eyes. When my star collapsed into a supernova, I became Wavy Purple. My black hole is the abyss that opens when things get quiet. I attach, I cling, I pull you in like gravity but I am finding more secure attachment now. I have electromagnetism in my boundaries and I attract my desired life. I am a sprawling galaxy, healing day by day and transmuting pain into beauty.

Understanding Shutdown (Dorsal Vagal State) Sometimes it’s not anxiety. Sometimes it’s the opposite. It’s the heaviness. The numbness. The “I can’t move” feeling. That’s the dorsal vagal state—your nervous system shutting things down when everything feels too overwhelming or inescapable. This is a survival response. When you’re in it: • Low energy • Brain fog • Disconnection / dissociation • Slowed breathing • Feeling stuck or frozen Your body is basically saying: “We can’t fight. We can’t run. We’re going offline.” When this becomes chronic, it can look like depression, isolation, and loss of motivation. How to gently come out of shutdown You don’t think your way out—you move your body. Try: • Wiggle fingers/toes, small movements • Slow breath (longer exhales) • Cold water or fresh air • Look around and name what you see (orienting) • Wrap in a blanket or hug yourself • Do one tiny task The goal isn’t to feel amazing. It’s to go from frozen → a little activated → safe enough. Shutdown is common with trauma, especially CPTSD. It makes sense your system learned this. You’re not “lazy.” Your nervous system is trying to protect you. And it can learn something new. 🕊️ The Purple Phoenix Collective

Lately, I’ve been avoiding everyone because I feel like a burden. Anyone else deal with this? 🤷‍♂️

What’s the most interesting experience you’ve had as a medium, intuitive or channeler?

Tonight at 7 pm EST, we gather again inside the field we’ve been quietly building together 💜 The Purple Phoenix Collective’s 8th event, The Universe Within You, is an invitation to explore the strange and beautiful truth that what lives in the cosmos also lives within you—cycles of expansion and contraction, gravity and release, light emerging from darkness. This won’t just be a poetry workshop; it’s a space to listen inward, to translate feeling into symbol, to witness and be witnessed in a way that feels real. Our circles tend to go deep—people open, connect, sometimes touch something they didn’t expect. If you feel even a small pull, trust that. Come as you are, step into the mystery, and see what unfolds ✨ Here’s the Zoom link: https://us06web.zoom.us/j/5546111406?omn=88212433615

What are your thoughts on this?

I used to have a really disorganized (fearful-avoidant) attachment style, and it showed up in ways I didn’t fully understand. I would swing between extremes—feeling clingy, anxious, scared of being abandoned… and then going cold, shutting down, pulling away. Almost like I needed my partner to chase me just to feel safe again. It wasn’t manipulation. It was my nervous system trying to solve something it learned early on. When love doesn’t feel safe growing up, you learn to crave connection and fear it at the same time. That push-pull dynamic makes sense in that context. What’s been helping me shift it isn’t some big breakthrough—it’s small, grounded things: Being in a relationship that is actually safe—and letting that reality sink in Reminding myself: he said he’s not leaving, and I don’t have evidence that he is Catching myself when I start creating stories that aren’t based in the present Staying instead of pulling away when things feel vulnerable Building a life outside the relationship—my own interests, purpose, identity And learning to tolerate the discomfort of not reacting the way I used to. Some other things helping me move toward secure attachment: • Communicating instead of withdrawing • Asking for reassurance directly • Not abandoning myself to keep someone else • Letting consistency feel normal • Regulating my body when I’m triggered I still feel the pull sometimes. But there’s more space now. And that space is changing everything.

Right when everything felt heavy, the sky quietly reminded me that beauty doesn’t come instead of the storm—it comes because of it.

Posting this with love for anyone who needs to read this today 🫶

When You Don’t Trust Your Own Mind Anymore One of the most disorienting parts of C-PTSD—especially after gaslighting or narcissistic abuse—is this: You stop trusting your own perception. You don’t just question what they said. You question what you felt. What you saw. What you remember. You replay conversations. Minimize your reactions. Tell yourself you’re “too sensitive” or “reading into it.” And after a while, it doesn’t feel like manipulation anymore. It just feels like… you. Gaslighting teaches you to override your internal signals: 🚩 Something feels off → you explain it away 🚩 You feel hurt → you downplay it 🚩 You remember something clearly → you doubt it Your voice gets quieter. Theirs stays. Rebuilding self-trust is slow. It’s practice: 🟣 Pause before invalidating yourself 🟣 Name what you felt (no debate) 🟣 Look for patterns, not one moment 🟣 Write things down 🟣 Stop over-explaining 🟣 Listen to your body 🟣 Make small decisions and stick with them It’s not about being certain all the time. It’s about slowly learning: maybe my experience is real. ☯️ The Purple Phoenix Collective

I’m doing meditations to open consciousness—journey on!

Fight or Flight ➡️ Rest & Digest Here are three somatic practices that genuinely helped shift me into a calmer, more regulated state today: 1. Eye Press Breathing I laid down, gently pressed my wrists over my closed eyes, and took slow breaths through my nose. There’s something about the pressure + darkness that signals safety. It helped everything start to slow down. 2. Body Tapping I made loose fists and tapped my body from head to toe. Not aggressively, just enough to create sensation. It pulled me out of my head and back into my body. Almost like reminding my system: “hey, we’re here.” 3. Arm & Leg Squeezes I applied gentle pressure to my arms and legs, one at a time, really focusing on the feeling. This one grounded me the most. It gave my body clear, contained sensations instead of chaotic energy. What I’m starting to understand is this: You can’t always think your way out of fight-or-flight. Sometimes your body needs to feel its way back to safety. After doing these, I felt a noticeable shift — slower breathing, less urgency, more presence. Not perfect, but calmer. More in that “rest and digest” space. If your system has been on edge lately, you might try one of these and see what happens. 🟣 The Purple Phoenix Collective

Woke up and it’s been hours in pain. 💊🙏🏻wish it wasn’t this way… it was very very hard and honestly the pain just continues. Sleeping is hard. Eating is hard. Being awake is also hard. It was too late when pain woke up me. I also had hard time getting up and by then, it was almost impossible to stop. Suffering but this is the day 2, soon it will be over😖 I won’t give up.