I Hit a Rough Patch

When toxic family doesn’t understand that I want one bell pepper so I went to get it and like don’t berate me for it but they do. Going to GP tmrw with them, sure they got performance ready everything from smiles to gift, so I’m choosing to be silent. Then they know me by “that one silent kind” but who gives (u know what)? Not me. I’m the endurer of all things, and I don’t participate in theatrics. Both get their own sacrificing aka people don’t even know you, but better than appeasing them 24/7. HERE FOR THE BELL PEPPER HANDS UP!! We ain’t gonna give it up. 🫑

Chose this today cuz dinner ain’t gonna be that good. No peace here but I’m gonna lock in to see what I can do🙏🏻🐙💛

I’m so upset. I went to feed the cat colony that I created and it was trashed! I I’d built a den for the cats and kittens on this derelict neighboring field. I used material that had been thrown away and someone went and stole all the metal food & water bowls, removed metal poles that I had used to hold up the den structure and smashed a window that was thrown away for the metal… shards of glass was EVERYWHERE. It took me nearly 2 hours to pick up every bit of glass so it won’t go into their paws. It really broke my heart 😢

Having this for lunch without the need to eat meat no matter how they try to force it on me is still a HUGE win💛 usually the food is just like plain and not much, and I’ve been in some strange pain and I still feel “something” but it’s gonna be okay very likely, anyone wishing if they could see their organs or talk to them? Haha🥲 we would know immediately. When you’re in toxic family you can’t get “sick” otherwise you’re terribly berated so this is me powering thru on my own, as always, staying strong🐙🙏🏻

These quotes speak to me.

Self respect: some communities are a disappointed of poor thinking of leaders. Buddhism speaks to me, but at the same time tolerating any kind of stress or how to “be” is simply wrong. We’re not well all of the time, and I’m still trying within my peace but forcing people to be well and judging them based on how they live is just too much. I’m glad I left early. 🐙❌

It’s a lot to digest this week.

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Hence I’m not risking eating it… being in toxic fam, there is no other right than theirs, no respect, no boundaries, nothing. If I tell them truth out of my concern, they get offended at me and they’ll cause a fight. 🐙💔 exhausted. But getting myself something else to eat💙 it’s never worth risking your health.

Veggies. It’s all about their dietary menu that I’m forced to pay with them but most of the time the food is rather not good so I’m just trying to pick whatever I can but I must also eat what they “want” me to or a problem. By now it’s 10 years and I’ve endured and seen and heard ENOUGH. If I could reverse this, I’d choose my relatives from the beginning. But even back then, they didn’t seem to step in at all. Their circle is way too secluded from me. But as someone who now can ASK, I’ll definitely tell them that living here is turmoil each and every day. And NO, nobody changes. In front of people it’s either nice smiles and okay or stay quiet and don’t talk back, the moment we come home, who sees what’s behind closed doors? ME. Nobody else. Toxic family is toxic and even food is a struggle here. You know those stories where foster parents get a kid and they turn evil? Those are IRL as well. Don’t you ever forget it. So many people out there decide to leave on their own and I wonder if they have don’t have relatives or they just don’t care about helping them, which imo I am a bit skeptical, but you have to ask, you can’t wonder forever or excuse them for being busy, or etc. It will never be easy, but if someone has that space and goodness, then it’s a YES. But I don’t wanna settle for “at least you tried” I wanna settle for I TRIED AND IT WORKED!!