My relationship with my father is complicated. I know he loves me but he’s also very toxic & a narcissist in the truest form. Sometimes we get on so well & at other times, I feel emotionally battered & bruised, taking weeks to recover my self esteem again. I never know which way he will be & he does it in such a manipulative way, you don’t always realize it’s happening till it’s too late. I met with him yesterday & was excited to see him. I left his company delflated, depressed & self hating. He’d had some to drink & proceeded to highlight my biggest fears & insecurities, blaming me for things that weren’t my fault, accusing me that if my mother dies it’ll be my fault, stood up to leave so he wouldn’t hear my opinion, was cruel, manipulative, accusative & raged at me in public (but smiled at the waiters); it was an emotional battlefield & I left feeling shocked & deeply sad. Although I have grown stronger boundaries & can generally manage the situation & have learnt to self validate, it still hurts & sometimes, it still gets under my skin. I’m Still that little girl who wants her daddy to love her. I wish to cut him out of my life but he’s old & vulnerable. Why are relationships with parents so complicated? Sometimes it feels that no matter how much I work on myself, he can still break me. I guess I just needed to vent. Thank you for reading this if you read it 🙏