"it doesn't affect me anymore" that's what i always say, that I'm fine, that i've handled it, that i have moved on. but the truth is... it is still there. it still bruises. it still hits a soft spot everytime i am reminded with the pain it caused. some days i can carry it without worry, but other days it spills over and reminds me that i'm still not really healed, i just learned how to hide it better. and now, i just want to let myself feel them the way they come, no more acting okay, no more holding everything in just to look strong. i'm tired of pretending it didn't hurt me, i am tired of telling myself it's nothing when it's always been something. after all, i know healing isn't linear. it's me knowing and learning to accept that i will be waking up some days feeling a little lighter, and other days feeling the same pain all over again. maybe healing also means letting myself admit that it mattered, and maybe it still does.